Where did this year go?

They say time flies when you are having fun.
Also, every year after you get out of High School
goes by faster.

Wow, are these statements ever true!

This year has been a blur. Days and months fly
by before I feel I accomplish much of anything!

I am spending lots of time loving my children and
grandsons, so the time has been perfectly well spent.

Also this year, I have been doing my best work on myself
ever. I am getting fit, thinner and happier.

Sure, I have not lost as much weight as I thought I would
have by this time, but that will still be alright. The
important thing for me to remember,(this is mainly written to me),
is that I am moving forward, no longer looking back and wondering,
wanting, hurting or fleeing.

For the first time in many years I feel perfectly good about myself.
I love me again. This may not sound like much to some, but it means
the world to me. It has been a long time coming and has not been the
easiest or smoothest journey. There have been many bumps in the road,
some major ones. I wish I had known years ago that the feelings I was
having and the way I was getting through Life could and have been helped.
We too often do not know how to ask for help, or don't even realize WE
need it!

The depth of my problems came about as I thought I had cruised through
"the change". What I did not realize at the time was that I had never
taken care of me. I never thought I was deserving. Now what put that
thought into my head, I will possibly never know. The good thing is that
the realization finally came and I did something about it.

Part of the cause of it was my giving up my accomplice in sabotage,
food. Do you know how hard that was to do? I still am not totally
there yet, but I am getting close.

So many things have changed. Most of them are in my attitude. It does
not matter now what caused me to veer off the deep end. The important
thing is that I have asked for help. Possibly I will need to ask for more
before getting to the end of my journey. If so, I will step up and ask
my family before I let it become a major problem. I so thought I was
all alone in it, and I am NOT.

So much good happened this year. So much happened last year too, but
I was too sick then to see it. I knew something was wrong when I could
not "feel" the joy I should upon learning I was going to become a
grandmother for the second time.

This all came to a head when I moved out just before the Holidays.
Lock, stock and barrel. Every thing I could move on my own went.
Husband came home to me gone. I think now about how that must have
hurt him and am so ashamed. Never was it my intent to hurt the ones
I love more than Life itself.

I had lost myself. I know that I did not feel much from about the time
Lacey turned 15 or 16. Guess I knew, or at least thought, they did not
need or want me anymore. I had become a part of the furniture.

Little did I know that I had more things wrong with me than showed on
the surface. I know now why I quit the last 2 jobs or more I have had.
I knew I was going to die there if I didn't get out. Come to find out,
I was closer to right than I ever want to be. First we found out that
both Larry and I developed High Blood Pressure. We went to the doctor
and got on pills for this. I am still eating right and the weight has
decided it likes where it is, it has had more trouble breaking up than
I did!

Long story short, I have a heart condition. I am not sure how long I
have had it, but now I believe it has been most or all of my Life.
It makes sense when I look back. No energy. No ambition. No wanting
to move or exercise. Maybe if I had been more physical, we would have
noticed the problem much earlier in my Life. This or the Depression
that has helped to pull or hold me back.

Now that I know all of this, I have the strength to "get better".
Nor did I realize that none of this was my fault. I was not a bad
person. So many with Depression go undiagnosed. I think Larry is
very depressed, yet will do nothing about it.

More later, need to get my walk in for today.

Hugs whomever reads this, and hugs to me too!

Katie