Remembering Last Year

This is a New Year. In my last post I said remembering this year, meaning last year actually. I continued this in a new post just for length purposes. Rambling as I am, just wanted to have plenty room to continue to explore my thoughts. How does one find oneself when I have buried myself under other roles I play? Yes, I realize this is something we all go through at the age I am now. Most people probably go through this at a much earlier age than I did. I have been doing lots of reading on this sort of topic in the last few years. It is helping in so many ways. The frustrating part is learning all this stuff, where does it get me? What does it really change? That is the answer that could pay millions if it is found. Do we ever really know? How many go through life lost this way? In fact, do any of us go through Life NOT this way? How good we become at covering up. All the World IS a stage. Shakespeare got it right. When do we go from truth to pretending? I would guess at about age 6 or 7. Reality starts to hit about that time. Believing in Fairy Tales begins to end. Oh, I held on to those things for as long as I could, longer than any child I would wager to guess. I knew deep down that the stories were that, only stories. Why do we feed these ? I wish I had asked my parents that one. I think I may have done that when they finally told me. I believed longer because I wanted it to be true. I wanted the Dream longer, heck I wanted it forever. Was it cruel to teach these things? Was it any better the way we presented it to our Kids? I really truly do not know. My kids seem alright with it now. I think as children we are very good at seeing only what we want to see. I know I have always been good at that. Living the Dream of Happily Ever After. "Acting" Happy....when I was not. Heck for the longest time I ever believed ME. I want to go back and remember the good times....or any times in fact. To remember. To believe. To Idolize. We all do what we do to live. There are no real blueprints. There is only truly what we have lived in our past and that is just the way it is. I did not know that there was really something wrong with me all those years. I am getting to the point where I can almost forgive myself for not being perfect. I heard differently from what was said, or at least interpreted it in a negative light for me. I was to blame for everything that did not go right. I was not good enough. This could not be unless I did it. Gee whiz, who did I think I was? God? I see now that my Family was doing what they saw as what family was supposed to do to be happy. That is what I mean by people pretending their way through this life. Reality is not always good. It is not always fair. It is unfair more than fair....

Remembering This Year

This is the first nice day in about 3 weeks. We have really had Winter this year. Snow about every week and some weeks it has snowed more than once. This is not really a story about Christmas, but I wanted to write a few memories of Christmas from the first month of the new year. Sitting here thinking about what has happened over the past year and that we truly had a lot to be thankful for this year. Many might not agree with that, and to be honest, sometimes I do not feel blessed. This changes from day to day. One day I feel pretty good about things and then wham, the thoughts change to sadness at what our Family has faced since August. I look back at how selfish I have been and the regrets I have about how my mother's final years were. I think about how excited we used to get when Christmas would come every year. I was always able to imagine getting wonderful gifts. I tried to be the best me I could be. Those years are a blur now. I remember sitting in a tree and Dreaming of being anywhere I wanted to be. How simple and closed in my Life was in those days, yet I never knew it. I am not saying I was unhappy in those days, just let down when the Holiday did not turn out to be what I had seen in my mind's eye. How many children are feeling this way every year, even when getting whatever they had wanted. I realize now that it is not the size of the gift that is important. It really took me a long long time to get this into my thick skull. I used to blame my parents for these feelings. There was a time when I truly blamed them for everything that was not just perfect in my Life. Pictures of me back in those days show I was smiling. I truly did try. Did my troubles start when we moved back to Iowa from Missouri or were they there even when I was so very young. I try to rationalize my feelings. What was real in those days and what was only true in my mind. What was normal in my Life? What I saw as my parents not loving me was in fact them trying to earn enough money to support us, to pay the bills. Mom went back to school before we moved to Iowa. She had gone to college to get her 2 year degree before she got married after the war. She and my Dad got married almost as soon as he returned from the War. They were very young. I recently went through some old pictures that I did not even know my folks had. Dad met me in a park and we went through the pictures and he told me who the people were, those he remembered. His memory is fading as is Mine. I plan on getting together with him when this weather straightens out. Tomorrow is supposed to be nice with chances of rain in the afternoon. I have a Heart Doctor appt. Will see what the next step is. I am starting to think that there is no next step. I do not want to have the surgery. The odds do not seem worth the risk to me. My spells still happen sometimes, but I can certainly live with it. That is what I mean when I said that this Christmas was one to be Thankful for. I got the Treadmill I wanted and have been using it often. I wanted to progress faster to more time or increased fitness, but as per usual for me, it is taking longer than wanted. But as they say, good things come to those who wait. We are also Thankful that we still have our Ava. I have written about her in other places. She is a true fighter and seems to want to be here with us. I am drifting in my thoughts, but I never have a plan when I write. Just let the mind ramble.

The idea of this article was to celebrate Christmas. Celebrate we did. I got a bit carried away with the gift buying this year. So much looking and decided, I kinda went a bit crazy buying too many gifts for the boys. Had to save a few for next time. Not sure what we spent, but it was more than enough. Hubby has been extremely generous for the past several years...my leaving for a while seems to have awakened his generosity. I have detailed this in other posts. When I was growing up, we had very little money for Christmas. I cannot remember one year when I was totally happy with what I got. I do not say that to be selfish, just is the truth. I think my belief in Santa no matter what led to my huge let downs when the gifts were not what I wanted.