Remembering Last Year

This is a New Year. In my last post I said remembering this year, meaning last year actually. I continued this in a new post just for length purposes. Rambling as I am, just wanted to have plenty room to continue to explore my thoughts. How does one find oneself when I have buried myself under other roles I play? Yes, I realize this is something we all go through at the age I am now. Most people probably go through this at a much earlier age than I did. I have been doing lots of reading on this sort of topic in the last few years. It is helping in so many ways. The frustrating part is learning all this stuff, where does it get me? What does it really change? That is the answer that could pay millions if it is found. Do we ever really know? How many go through life lost this way? In fact, do any of us go through Life NOT this way? How good we become at covering up. All the World IS a stage. Shakespeare got it right. When do we go from truth to pretending? I would guess at about age 6 or 7. Reality starts to hit about that time. Believing in Fairy Tales begins to end. Oh, I held on to those things for as long as I could, longer than any child I would wager to guess. I knew deep down that the stories were that, only stories. Why do we feed these ? I wish I had asked my parents that one. I think I may have done that when they finally told me. I believed longer because I wanted it to be true. I wanted the Dream longer, heck I wanted it forever. Was it cruel to teach these things? Was it any better the way we presented it to our Kids? I really truly do not know. My kids seem alright with it now. I think as children we are very good at seeing only what we want to see. I know I have always been good at that. Living the Dream of Happily Ever After. "Acting" Happy....when I was not. Heck for the longest time I ever believed ME. I want to go back and remember the good times....or any times in fact. To remember. To believe. To Idolize. We all do what we do to live. There are no real blueprints. There is only truly what we have lived in our past and that is just the way it is. I did not know that there was really something wrong with me all those years. I am getting to the point where I can almost forgive myself for not being perfect. I heard differently from what was said, or at least interpreted it in a negative light for me. I was to blame for everything that did not go right. I was not good enough. This could not be unless I did it. Gee whiz, who did I think I was? God? I see now that my Family was doing what they saw as what family was supposed to do to be happy. That is what I mean by people pretending their way through this life. Reality is not always good. It is not always fair. It is unfair more than fair....